Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When your heart is torn in two directions.

It’s a quiet thought which arrives in the middle of the night, when you’re lying next to your partner but feeling alone.  A pull between loyalty and the ache of needs that haven’t been met for a long time.

As a counsellor, I have witnessed people standing at this crossroads often.

And while there is no quick answer, there are ways to gain clarity and compassion as you consider what comes next.

1. Check Whether There’s Still Safety and Respect

The first question isn’t “Am I happy” it’s “Am I safe”

If there is emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, your priority must be safety, not repair. No amount of love, empathy, or effort will heal a dynamic where you are consistently frightened, belittled, or controlled.

If you’re unsure if what you’re experiencing is unhealthy, talking with a counsellor can help you name the behaviours clearly and plan additional support.

2. Look for Willingness Not Perfection

All relationships experience difficult times. The difference between repairable and unrepairable often comes down to willingness.

Ask yourself:

• Does my partner take responsibility for their part?

• Are they open to therapy or learning new ways to connect?

• When I express hurt, do they show curiosity or contempt?

If there’s genuine willingness on both sides, even long-standing patterns can heal.If there’s defensiveness, denial, or apathy, change becomes more challenging.

3. Reality versus Potential

Are you staying for who your partner is now, or who you hope they could become?

Hope is powerful. It keeps people invested, patient, and compassionate. It allows space for growth and change.

But hope can also quietly blur reality.

Many people don’t consciously decide to stay for potential.

They stay because they’ve seen glimpses, moments of warmth, insight, effort, or connection, and they build a future around those moments.

They think:

• If things slowed down, it would be different.

• Once they feel safe, they’ll open up.

• They’re capable, they just haven’t had the support yet.

And sometimes, those hopes are reasonable.

The difficult part is discerning whether change is actually happening, or whether the relationship is being carried by belief rather than evidence.

Letting go of potential doesn’t mean giving up on someone. It means respecting reality. Sometimes, the most compassionate choice for both people is to stop asking a relationship to become something it hasn’t shown itself capable of being.

Sometimes, seeing reality clearly allows couples to engage with growth more honestly, without illusion or pressure.

Either way, clarity doesn’t come from urgency. It comes from slowing down enough to see what’s actually here.

 4. Notice Whether You Can Still Be Yourself

Many people stay because they love who they used to be together. But healthy love allows for growth, not shrinking.

Ask yourself:

• Can I express my feelings without being dismissed?

• Do I still recognise myself in this relationship?

• Am I dimming parts of me to keep the peace?

If connection requires self-abandonment, staying may come at too high a cost.

5. Consider the Pattern, Not Just the Moment

Every couple faces conflict.  What matters is the pattern.

Are you stuck in a loop of distance, defensiveness, or blame?

Or do you repair after conflict, even if clumsily?

Patterns reveal whether your nervous system can find safety again after rupture. If both partners are willing to break old cycles, relationship therapy can provide the tools and language to facilitate this change.

6. Ask Yourself What “Trying Again” Would Actually Look Like

If you decide to stay, what needs to change for the relationship to truly heal?

• New boundaries?

• A commitment to counselling?

• A break to reset emotionally?

Be concrete and specific.

Trying again does not mean tolerating the same pain; it means actively doing things differently. If you decide to end the relationship, trust that leaving doesn’t mean failure. Sometimes letting go is the most loving choice for both people.

There’s No Wrong Answer, Only Honest Ones

Staying isn’t weak, and leaving isn’t selfish. Both require courage.

What matters most is choosing clarity over fear and learning to stay connected to yourself, regardless of the outcome.

Whether you choose to rebuild or release, therapy can help you find steadiness, safety, and self-respect along the way.