Why We Abandon Ourselves in Relationships

People Pleasing and Boundaries

Have you ever found yourself silencing your needs to “keep the peace”, even when something feels off?

This is called self-abandonment - the quiet moment you turn away from yourself to stay connected to someone else.

It’s one of the most common patterns I see in counselling, especially among empaths, caregivers, and people who grew up learning that love is earned through self-sacrifice.

Here’s how to recognise it and how to start coming home to yourself again.

What Self-Abandonment Looks Like

Self-abandonment can take many forms:

• Saying yes when every part of you wants to say no.

• Over-explaining or apologising to keep someone from being upset.

• Shrinking your feelings so you don’t “cause drama.”

• Ignoring your intuition when something doesn’t feel right.

• Taking full responsibility for the relationship while your partner disconnects.

Each of these is a small act of disconnection from yourself, and over time, they contribute towards resentment, exhaustion, and loss of self-trust.

Why It Happens

Most people don’t abandon themselves because they’re weak, they do it because it once kept them safe.

• Childhood conditioning: You may have learned that love was conditional  and it was important “be good,” “don’t upset anyone,” “make others comfortable.”

• Fear of rejection: Your nervous system associates conflict or distance with danger.

• Attachment wounds: If you grew up around unpredictability, you might default to over-functioning in relationships to maintain closeness.

  
  

Self-abandonment is a survival strategy, but is not sustainable for real intimacy.

How to Stop Abandoning Yourself

Notice Your Internal “Yes / No”

Before responding to requests, pause and check your body:

“Does this feel expansive or constricting?”

Learning to hear your inner “no” is the first step toward self-trust.

Validate Your Own Feelings

You don’t need permission to feel what you feel. Practice quietly naming your emotions:

“I feel hurt,” “I feel dismissed,” “I feel unseen.”

Validation reconnects you to your emotional truth - the part you may have learned to mute.

Communicate Boundaries with Warmth and Clarity

Boundaries aren’t rejection; they’re protection for connection.

Try gentle language:

• “I care about us, and I also need time to think.”

•  “I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to catch up later this week.”

Boundaries teach others how to love you well.

Let Discomfort Be a Sign of Growth

When you stop abandoning yourself, guilt and fear often appear.

Remind yourself: Discomfort is not danger.

You’re re-training your nervous system to believe that you can be authentic and loved at the same time.

Treat Yourself with Compassion

Notice the younger part of you who still fears being too much or not enough.

Offer kindness instead of criticism:

“It makes sense that I used to keep myself small — but I don’t need to do that anymore.”

Choosing Connection That Includes You

Real intimacy requires two whole people, not one person disappearing to keep the peace. When you honour your boundaries, express your feelings, and stay grounded in self-worth, you invite love that is mutual, not one-sided.

With the right support, you can learn to stay connected to yourself and to others.